It feels like every day gets harder for me and I have no control over anything. I wake up and speak positively to myself, reminding myself of my worth, I work out, and after that I begin my day. The problem comes in with the opinions (unasked for), judgements, and lack of support. It’s as if nothing I do is right or good enough in the eyes of others – some others. I hear different things from different people, both positive and negative. “You’re doing the best you can, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise”, “You’ll get through this because you haven’t given up yet so why now?”, are some of those positive things that keep me going. “Everybody does that so be more realistic” (referring to my dream job), and I’ll stop there with the negative things. The crazy thing about the negativity is that I’ve heard it so much I don’t let it eat at me anymore. It still pisses me off, but when you hear the same things over and over and over again, you become numb.
It’s no secret – to anyone who truly knows me – that my life is tough right now, but I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I FUCKIN’ CAN. And I’d greatly appreciate if people would simply let me live instead of judging me for what they feel I should be doing. My husband has been gone for a while now, in the Army, it’ll be a year in three months. While he’s gone I’m home raising our children, 2-years-old and 3 months, and it is tough. Between both of them crying, one potty-training, their necessities, one teething super early, trying to teach them both yet make it fun so they’ll want to learn, and doing it all on my own, I lose it every single day at some point. I just sit and cry or think after they’re asleep because what else can I do? When you have children, YOU have to take care of them regardless of what you’re going through. People don’t give a fuck that you’re mental health is trash or that you have a meltdown every single night, or that you NEED a break. No, what they care about is the fact that you had those babies and if you didn’t want to take care of them then you shouldn’t have had them. And while I get the logic behind that, which is true for some parents, I am not that parent.
I feel alone in everything that I do because I am. I don’t have a whole squad of friends, I don’t have anyone who understands what I’m going through, I don’t have someone to hug me at night and tell me they see I’m trying my best. No, what I have is a bunch of people who judge me from what they see and not what they know. Who really don’t care to ask or understand what’s going on with me. And a blog that I express myself through to show others that I am not ashamed of my undesirable times and hoping they’ll feel less alone. There are people who read my post and feel better while others use my post as another way to judge me. I write because it’s a passion, I share because I’m not ashamed – nor am I alone. What I won’t do is allow anyone to shun me from what brings me joy anymore. I could care less who reads my post and judges me because all it does is boost my views, so I appreciate you too.
Because I appreciate all the views regardless of the reasoning.
It is now 3:22AM and all I can do is write because it’s how I best express myself – and the only option I have really. I don’t know when I’ll see my husband again, but we are moving closer to him just because. I don’t know when the pressures of motherhood will stop getting to me, but I know I have to be strong in front of my kids – no matter how hard it is. I don’t know when people will stop judging me, but I know I’m not going to keep quitting what I enjoy because others don’t agree with it or understand. I stay out the way and I mean that wholeheartedly, 100%. Staying out the way is pretty much “out of sight, out of mind”. I’m somewhere minding my business and not allowing anyone to drag me into some mess. And it has nothing to do with me moving but everything to do with learning that everyone can’t be part of my life no matter how bad I want them to be. Realizing that no matter what I do people are going to talk about me till the day I die, and most smile in my face later. Learning to not be ashamed with my truth because I’m not alone even though others aren’t willing to speak up, I AM AND WILL.
I know that everything is a process and that I must be patient. But I could really do without the judgement. The last thing I need is those same people telling me, “I knew it would get you far in life”, when they didn’t support me from day one. I don’t need people downing everything that I do when they wouldn’t even try to do it themselves. Some people give up easily while others don’t and even though I used to be one of those quitters, I’m not anymore. I have to be my own support and believe in me if no one else will – besides my husband and one other.