Are you one who doesn’t exactly understand church, The Bible, or anything that has to do with God? That’s me too so you’re not alone. Yes, I believe in God however it ends there, literally. I’ve gone to church but it was the, “you’re going to church with us if you’re spending the night” go. I’ve tried to find interest numerous times, but deep down I just wasn’t there. I got to a point where I gave up but I didn’t stop believing.
I remember when I was younger my grandma would ask me, “Did you thank God for waking you up this morning?”. Waking up and giving that thanks alone made me feel like I was doing something. I carried that thanks with me into adulthood and that’s where it stopped. I don’t know why I stopped doing it, but it wasn’t long before prayer of any kind stopped altogether. I didn’t feel any different though – at least I don’t remember – so I never took the time to start back up. Then, I met someone and things got real different, real fast, but I didn’t feel like it be right to start all of a sudden praying again.
Everything I kept out of my life – drama, fake people, trying to be accepted, etc. – was brought into my life with this person. Before I continue let me be clear that I am not bashing this person, simply sharing an experience where I used prayer wrong. It was clear early on that I needed to take a step back. I’m talking red flags all over the place from things I saw and found out on my own to things others would tell me. I felt choked up on a regular because it was always something. Things went too far one day and this is where I fucked up. Now, I just finished saying how I didn’t feel like it be right to start all of a sudden praying when I met this person but I did. I most definitely prayed, begging, with tears in my eyes every time, but it was what I prayed for. I prayed to keep them not for strength to walk away and heal. I fucked up because I became who I said I’d never be. That was a time I should’ve stepped back and got into myself. Yet, I was so deep in that I prayed for someone who preyed on me.
Even after that incident I felt like life had its foot on my neck and I wasn’t even fighting to get up. There were so many times I wanted to pray, but I could not. I kept telling myself that I’d be using God because I only wanted to pray when I felt like I had no control over myself and my life. I never looked at it as me asking for guidance or forgiveness or any other positive thing that could help me. So, I began asking people for advice on their relationship with God – why they started, the changes they’ve noticed, and how He helps them. I heard so many positive things, saw so many relationships – friends and lovers – flourishing, so many people having opportunities thrown at them left and right, family dynamics I’ve always wanted, and all this because of God. And even after seeing all that proof, I still fought creating that relationship. I was so lost with my focus on everything and everyone except myself and God. I went through so much I could’ve avoided had I simply paid attention to what He was telling me. And yes, He was making things very clear but I chose to look the other way because I wanted to see different.
It’s been five years since I started avoiding that relationship. Again, I can’t tell you why but I can tell you that it’s come to an end. I’ve started a new chapter, I have children now, I’m the wife of a soldier, decisions aren’t as easy as they once were, and I’ve finally opened myself up to do things I’ve always wanted to. I want to forgive (myself and others) and move on from my past, I want to believe in myself instead of doubting myself, I want to take risk and be able to say “I know God got me”, I want to ignore people and their negativity when I know it isn’t worth it – just to name a few. For some reason I feel like He is calling me. Yeah, sure I’ve felt it before through different situations, but never like this. This feeling I’ve been feeling for the last week is almost indescribable – because that’s how strong it is. I don’t feel like I can avoid Him anymore so I’m not even going to try.
I try to live without regret but I do have a lot. I’ve had someone throw away a friendship – or so I thought it was – because they didn’t feel like I text back within a timely manner. I’ve had someone try to slander my name because they were upset that I didn’t do something they wanted me to. I’ve had someone tell my business when we no longer cool and I watched their friends indirectly talk about it on socials. Friend, family, partner, and anyone else who isn’t in my life now isn’t for a reason. I was always so concerned about the story they’d tell people of how we fell out, but I NO LONGER CARE. You know people love to tell the story that makes them look good. I’ve harbored anger and hurt from past situations because I allowed myself to get involved with people and things that I should’ve stayed away from which I knew early on. Had I let go and let God I’d be better off.
I’m always trying to be acceptance of people, but that’s the problem. Giving them chance after chance instead of owning the fact that they aren’t conducive to my growth as a woman. I’m choosing to forgive and move on because I can’t move forward if I keep looking back. I’m choosing to forgive myself because I’ve spent too much time feeling like a trespasser when I was the one being trespassed against. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I know it’s greater than anything I can fathom.